Sunday, October 22, 2017

How to Keep Arguments from Getting Out of Control




The most important thing for relationship partners to remember when having a disagreement is to put the relationship first.





The two must UNITE:  yoU aNI unTil the End.  Each person has to consider the needs of the relationship before the needs of the self.  That means that "ME, I, and MY" have to take a back seat to "US, WE, and OUR."

For example, if one person feels the need to spend $20 per day to be happy while the other feels the need to spend $30 per day to be happy, the real question is how much can the relationship afford for them to spend as a couple.  If the answer is $50 per day, then each person must be happy with $25 per day, that is, if they want a relationship built on fairness.





This logic is easiest to see in terms of money.  However, it is less clearly understood in more abstract and emotional contexts.  For example, if one person feels compelled to do all of the housework simply because the other person sees no need to do any of it, then there is an imbalance in fairness in the relationship despite the fact that all of the housework is getting done.  If that imbalance in fairness is accompanied by an imbalance in satisfaction, then the needs of the relationship are not being met.  In other words, if the person doing all the work is feeling cheated, unappreciated, and unloved, then the relationship is in trouble.




The relationship balance must be restored.  Either all housework must be shared equally or there must be a tradeoff that provides equal satisfaction to both persons.  A relationship cannot flourish when one person's contributions are unnoticed, undervalued, and unacknowledged.

When one person feels as if they are being used, the other person becomes the user.  And, nobody likes a user!




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